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Famous Quotes about humor“ There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad. ” “ A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who, however, has never learned how to walk forward. ” “ This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought. ” “ George Bush taking credit for the wall coming down is like the rooster taking credit for the sun rising. ” “ A fool is one who goes on trusting; a fool is one who goes on trusting against all his experience. You deceive him, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you; and you deceive him again, and he trusts you. Then you will say that he is a fool, he does not learn. His trust is tremendous; his trust is so pure that nobody can corrupt it. Be a fool in the Taoist sense, in the Zen sense. Don't try to create a wall of knowledge around you. Whatsoever experience comes to you, let it happen, and then go on dropping it. Go on cleaning your mind continuously; go on dying to the past so you remain in the present, herenow, as if just born, just a babe. In the beginning it is going to be very difficult. The world will start taking advantage of you...let them. They are poor fellows. Even if you are cheated and deceived and robbed, let it happen, because that which is really yours cannot be robbed from you, that which is really yours nobody can steal from you. And each time you don't allow situations to corrupt you, that opportunity will become an integration inside. Your soul will become more crystallized. ” “ The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes. ” “ The English contribution to world cuisine - the chip. ” “ The secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. ” “ You can only be young once. But you can always be immature. ” “ Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. ” “ A publisher who writes is like a cow in a milk bar. ” “ Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. ” “ How could this Y2K be a problem in a country where we have Intel and Microsoft? ” “ A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right. ” “ What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. ” “ There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers. ” “ Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit. ” “ What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. ” “ The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff. ” “ A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. ” “ I once met an assassin who's nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and he tells me it's because he's silent but deadly. ” “ When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not ” “ Half the lies they tell about me aren't true. ” “ Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. ” “ I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. ” “ The definition of the individual was: a multitude of one million divided by one million. ” “ Ambition is like a venus fly trap. If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite but it wouldn't hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. Then some other stuff could happen and that would be like ambition. ” “ Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form. ” “ The Bush administration works closely with a network of rapid response digital brownshirts who work to pressure reporters and their editors for 'undermining support for our troops.' ” “ What can be more foolish than to think that all this rare fabric of heaven and earth could come by chance, when all the skill of art is not able to make an oyster! ” “ You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. ” “ A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ” “ America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there. ” “ Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out. ” “ A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn? ” “ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. ” “ Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. ” “ Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops. ” “ Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. ” “ Liking money like I like it, is nothing less than mysticism. Money is a glory. ” “ The wise have always said the same things, and fools, who are the majority have always done just the opposite. ” “ Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors. ” “ I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe. ” “ Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. ” “ It's just like when you've got some coffee that's too black, which means it's too strong. What do you do? You integrate it with cream, you make it weak. But if you pour too much cream in it, you won't even know you ever had coffee. It used to be hot, it becomes cool. It used to be strong, it becomes weak. It used to wake you up, now it puts you to sleep. ” “ I'm not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues. ” “ Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ” “ If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. ” “ People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. ” “ There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction ” “ Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim. ” “ Gossip is a sort of smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco-pipes of those who diffuse it: it proves nothing but the bad taste of the smoker. ” “ I don't believe it. Prove it to me and I still won't believe it. ” “ I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true. ” “ Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties. ” “ I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people. ” “ No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. ” “ People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering. ” “ A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation. ” “ I tell you the sign of a believer; When Death comes, there is a smile on his lips. ” “ If the creator had a purpose in equipping us with a neck, he surely meant us to stick it out. ” “ Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws can make a child look like a deer. ” “ The nice thing about being a celebrity is that, if you bore people, they think it's their fault. ” “ Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. ” “ If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun. ” “ People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. ” “ All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. ” “ The purpose of all wars, is peace. ” “ Graphic design is the paradise of individuality, eccentricity, heresy, abnormality, hobbies and humors. ” “ All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move. ” “ He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. ” “ Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy. ” “ Church is the only place where someone speaks to me and I do not have to answer back. ” “ A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn't afterward. ” “ We do not know what to do with this short life, yet we want another which will be eternal. ” “ Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ” “ It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor, since it is a more significant process of mind than reason. Reason can only sort out perceptions, but the humor process is involved in changing them. ” “ I used to think that everything was just being funny but now I don't know. I mean, how can you tell? ” “ There are those who so dislike the nude that they find something indecent in the naked truth. ” “ The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad ” “ It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver. ” “ I think the American people - I hope the American - I don't think, let me - I hope the American people trust me ” “ The philosophers have only interpreted the world, in various ways. The point, however, is to change it. ” “ Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened ” “ Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. ” “ For in all adversity of fortune the worst sort of misery is to have been happy.” ” “ If you are lonely when you're alone, you are in bad company. ” “ You have got to be rich to have a swing like that. ” “ A failure is a man who has blundered, but is not able to cash in the experience. ” “ I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol ” “ We are all born naked and screaming and if you're lucky that sort of thing won't stop there ” “ If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. ” “ If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you're swimming. ” “ If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic. ” “ An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. ” “ A conservative believes nothing should be done for the first time. ” “ Speak when you are angry--and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret. ” “ If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. ” “ Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. ” “ A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. ” “ A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. ” “ Oh, I could spend the rest of my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies. ” “ If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score? ” “ The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy. ” “ Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right. ” “ He who eats with most pleasure is he who least requires sauce. ” “ Nothing is so perfectly amusing as a total change of ideas. ” “ The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ” “ Laughter is the language of the Gods. ” “ The last capitalist we hang shall be the one who sold us the rope. ” “ Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. ” “ Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority. ” “ If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ” “ Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them. ” “ Life is not a tragedy, it is a comedy. To be alive means to have a sense of humor. ” “ Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of ” “ Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. ” “ Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder ” “ The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder. ” “ Whatsoever is contrary to nature is contrary to reason, and whatsoever is contrary to reason is absurd. ” “ I was a queen, and you took away my crown; a wife, and you killed my husband; a mother, and you deprived me of my children. My blood alone remains: take it, but do not make me suffer long. ” “ Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. ” “ I do not read advertisements. I would spend all of my time wanting things. ” |
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